Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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