A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
