just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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