So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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