awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
