I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
