nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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