my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
