i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
