Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
