i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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