whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It was like getting head from an anaconda
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
