I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
