That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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