Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
