We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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