you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
