Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
