I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
