i love accidental penises.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
