Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
