So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize