Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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