i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
