I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
