so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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