My Higher Power is John Stamos
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
