i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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