When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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