my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize