so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
