Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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