no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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