i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
