May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
