Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
