The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
