mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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