Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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