What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
