I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
