i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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