yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize