Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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