i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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