3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
