the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
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