I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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