Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
