why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You need Xanax blowdarts
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
