Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
