oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
