Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
