The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
