I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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