These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
